“Has anyone seen my sock?” This question is asked 1.3 times per month per household worldwide (unofficial census conducted by the author). Where, indeed, do socks go?
I am a reasonably compassionate person and I feel sorry for socks. They come into the world as twins, the most common garment twin we have, and they know their lot in life when they are born: they are to be stepped on their whole life and often not changed frequently enough for good taste to prevail. I believe there is a conspiracy theory in place, but more on that later.
I’m in charge of the laundry at our house. Not sure how that happened, but it did. My socks go missing but only occasionally. I basically only have two kinds of socks so when one goes missing it is placed in my sock orphanage temporarily, until the whirlwind of laundry turmoil finds it a mate. Socks hate to be alone and who can blame them.
Other family members have a wide array of socks: stripped, pink, dotted, blue, beige, argyle, tube, cotton, black, wool, purple, ankle toe, brown, running. Socks such as these demand their birth twin or they are of no use. It’s an issue. If you are like me you play the waiting game. Surely the rebel sock will turn up eventually. Sometimes it never does. My rule of toe is if it doesn’t show up in six months it is sold into slavery: a sock puppet, a dust mop, a car waxer. This leads to my conspiracy theory. If you were the brunt of such rueful behaviour, wouldn’t you try to escape? There is an element out there of socks that have clearly put their foot down.
The Bureau of Missing Socks is the first organization solely devoted to solving the question of what happens to missing single socks. It explores all aspects of the phenomena including the occult, conspiracy theories, and extraterrestrial. Officials say, “We offer support for the matching sock deprived, and catalogue, research, index and document all extant material related to socks since the dawn of the shoe.” Check them out at:
I love people who have solutions to problems. Edwin Heaven (first names should be Descended From) has come up with THROX—socks sold in threes. In theory, if none of the trio goes missing, your sock purchase will wear one third longer. If one does escape, you have a back up. Love it.
Have a theory or solution to this world pandemic? If so, tell us your story. Long live the sock.
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